It's always good to start off the New Year with some laughs.
After all, the world can be a dark place sometimes, and in the darkness of political skullduggery and global strife, laughs are a valuable commodity. Whether we're chortling at those Liberals who are suddenly no longer interested in Russian collusion now the Clinton Foundation is being investigated, or Brian Stelter for just being plain old Brian Stelter, it's important to laugh. Thankfully the Clown News Network is here to keep the good times rolling.
Laughter is good for the soul, but- dear friends- I implore you to view this article with caution. The human ribs can only take so much riotous pointing and laughing at the 17th most watched news network in the US. Right Side News takes no responsibility for forehead injuries caused by the repeated and violent facepalming this article will induce in you. Put any sharp objects down, and make sure the children are tucked up in bed. This level of weaponized and rampant stupidity can have a terrible effect on the minds of the young and impressionable.
1. Trump is Bathmophobic.
No. The President is not afraid of stairs. It might be hard to believe, but all of these screenshots are real. This actually happened, back in March 2017 -oh how young and naive we were- that CNN thought a grown man who launched a presidential bid by gliding down a golden escalator might be afraid of stairs.
The stupid burns- the only way this story could be dumber is for Don Lemon to begin sexually identifying as a staircase and then accuse Mr. Trump of a hate crime.
2. Ice Cream-gate
The fact that Chris Cillizza is allowed to call himself a politics reporter blows my mind. I get that I'm reporting on Chris Cillizza being an utter moron, but that's the world we live in. CNN don't make news anymore- they are the news. Without irony, Cillizza can go on to the actual television, claim to be a professional politics reporter while decrying the President of the United States for eating ice cream- and still claim that it is the president that is nuts.
I wish we were making this up.
3. Brian Stelter.
On the very day that the Clinton Foundation is revealed to be under FBI investigation for 'pay for play' Brian decided to throw shade at FOX NEWS for reporting on it. You know, like a self-proclaimed news outlet should do. What does Brian think is more important? A pulp novelization of a fantasy White House drama that the writer admits is made up.
Okay, Brian. Let us know when you want to put the big boy pants on.
It begins. https://t.co/DmPbe68Upx— Brian Stelter (@brianstelter) January 5, 2018
4. Man eats food, shocking pictures at 11
Hey remember that time when Don Lemon and Jim Acosta told us all about how Donald Trump eats food like literally every other person on Earth? Great journalism boys, really great. Imagine how much these two knuckleheads earned for this segment.
5. ISIS Kittens.
Lets see now, should CNN report on the blatant double dealing of the Obama administration to enable the supply of weapons to ISIS which resulted in the deaths of thousands and the enslavement and rape of scores of Yazidi women, or meme about Nutella? Aww Shucks, real journalism is haaaaaaard. Get me some kitten pictures, stat!
6. Actually this obsession with what someone eats is a bit creepy now
Reminder: CNN reported on Hillary Clinton pandering to black voters by claiming she carried hot sauce at all times with a quote about Donald Trump being called a donkey- by Hillary Clinton. Yes, you can always rely on CNN to bury the lede so deep it needs an expedition led by James Cameron to go and retrieve it from the Mariana Trench. Good job, Clowns!
7. CNN mocks spelling. Cannot spell themselves.
I don't know anymore. It's like I'm being personally trolled by CNN at this point. Surely nobody is so oblivious to reality as to fail to spell the word chief correctly while criticizing a mis-spelled Trump Tweet? New rule: every time CNN do something right, I take a shot. I'm quitting alcohol this year, it's the best way to be sure I stay on the wagon. Remember kids, it's I before E, except when after covfefe.
8. Just the WORST Double Standards
A guy who otherwise presents as in good shape for a 70-year-old man drinks soda. This is peak time news. It must be pushed in front of the American people with such force that the Coca-Cola company experiences a dip in sales not seen since Michael Jackson set himself on fire to promote Pepsi.
On the other hand, an ailing geriatric woman with at least a dozen conditions and a husband who looks ready to take over hosting Tales From The Crypt has to be carried into buildings and helped into her car. Nothing to see here, move along.
It's almost like they think it's us that have the drug problem and not Anderson Cooper.
9. When all else fails.. make something up
Yes, it certainly looks like the President is losing his mind, what with presiding over a huge stock market, improved relations overseas, a million jobs created in a year and liberals gathering on the day of his inauguration to scream hopelessly at the sky.
Yep, he's mad as a hatter. Totally loco. It could always be worse, though. You could be giving screen-time to Kurt Eichenwald, who quite outside of holding utterly bonkers and wrong opinions on everything once claimed a malicious tweet gave him a seizure and 'researched' tentacle porn with his kids because he wanted to show his wife it existed. Yup. I believe that one.
Oops. I forgot we weren't talking about Russia anymore. Sorry Kurt. Sorry CNN. We'll just wait for that FBI investigation into the Clinton Foundation, shall we?
CNN, We look forward to your continued advancement in Clown World Entertainment. Please, never, ever stop. We need the laughs.