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My fellow white people,

It has come to my attention that people of white European extraction are guilty without reservation for at least the following 100 crimes against actual, melinated humanity and the environment, for which we must immediately apologize for.

You are hereby directed to approach the nearest non-white person at your disposal and to recite an apology for this entire list after paying this hapless victim at least $10 for taking your confessional. You should probably repeat this process at least once per week, but daily if thou art especially pious and sincere; extra virtue points are available for daily confession, of course. You and I are personally responsible for all of these crimes as if we had committed them with our own two hands; there is no statute of limitations on white guilt and to believe as much is to grievously refuse to check that white privilege.

Repeat the following before each crime: “I am guilty of” . . .

  1. Not flagellating myself while reading this list (double virtue points if you do!)
  2. Being born.
  3. Being born into privilege.
  4. Not committing suicide, yet.
  5. Thinking of having white devil children.
  6. The Holocaust.
  7. Not sending the entire third-world an invite to live in my nation.
  8. Not giving my house to a refugee family (unless you’re a rich trendy left-wing cosmopolitan socialist preaching virtue; keep your 12+ bedroom mansion, you earned it.)
  9. Having straight hair.
  10. Or, culturally appropriating curly hair.
  11. Polluting the Moon with a symbol of hate on a pole.
  12. Not giving my wallet to a non-white, like yesterday.
  13. Standing for the national anthem.
  14. Being so white.
  15. Destruction of Jerusalem in 70AD (Romans…)
  16. The Holocaust.
  17. Alhambra Decree.
  18. Winning the Battle of Tours.
  19. Winning the Reconquista.
  20. The Crusades – except the Fourth Crusade which was white-on-white and therefore good. Die, Snow Monkeys!
  21. Winning at the Siege of Vienna.
  22. Not bending over for the Mongol Empire.
  23. Buying black slaves from black West African slave traders.
  24. Enslaving blacks on plantations in the antebellum south.
  25. Segregation.
  26. The Holocaust.
  27. Inventing modern firearms.
  28. Using modern firearms.
  29. Shooting unarmed non-whites.
  30. Shooting armed non-whites.
  31. Shooting Michael Brown.
  32. Shooting Trayvon.
  33. Shooting ducks.
  34. Fox hunting.
  35. Pogroms.
  36. The Holocaust.
  37. Colonizing Europe (Cheddar man was first, yo.)
  38. Colonizing Central America.
  39. Colonizing South America.
  40. Colonizing North America.
  41. Colonizing India.
  42. Colonizing Australia and New Zealand.
  43. Colonizing Africa.
  44. Not bringing more development to Africa.
  45. Destroying the advanced civilization of Wakanda.
  46. The Holocaust.
  47. Defeating Pharaoh kangz and stealing their ju-ju magic.
  48. The Anglo-Zulu War.
  49. Depredations in the Belgian Congo.
  50. Apartheid in South Africa.

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  1. White economic and political hegemony in Rhodesia.
  2. Haitian sugar plantation slavery.
  3. Operating taco stands while being non-Hispanic.
  4. Killing Jesus (The Romans ...)
  5. Poisoning Muhammad (Oh, wait ...)
  6. The Holocaust.
  7. Inventing the A-bomb.
  8. Testing the A-bomb.
  9. Dropping an A-bomb on Japan.
  10. Dropping another A-bomb on Japan.
  11. First Opium War.
  12. Second Opium War.
  13. Korean War.
  14. Vietnam War.
  15. Iran Contra.
  16. The Holocaust.
  17. Stealing all the cargo planes from the Papuan ancestor gods.
  18. Inventing the internet (a white supremacist networking redoubt).
  19. Scoring higher averages on SAT’s than blacks.
  20. Being good at polo.
  21. Living longer on average than blacks.
  22. Only including free whites in the U.S., 1790 Naturalization Act.
  23. The Great Bengal famine of 1770.
  24. All world famines (why can’t we feed the entire world?)
  25. Culturally appropriating the Hindu-Arabic numeral system.
  26. The Holocaust.
  27. Defeat of the Boxer Rebellion in China.
  28. Overthrow of the Queen of Hawaii.
  29. 1915/16 invasion and longtime occupation of Haiti and Dominican Republic by the United States.
  30. Overthrow of Mohammad Mosaddegh in Operation Ajax after the nationalization of the Anglo-Iranian Oil Company in 1951.
  31. Overthrow of Shah Mohammad Reza Pahlavi after he dared to nationalize Iranian oil in 1973.
  32. Arming and training Wahhabi Saudi Arabia.
  33. Operation Desert Storm and the 1990’s Iraq sanctions.
  34. Iraq War.
  35. War in Afghanistan.
  36. The Holocaust.
  37. Invention of the automobile.
  38. Exploitation of world oil reserves.
  39. Bringing about catastrophic anthropogenic global warming.
  40. Increased frequency of hurricanes.
  41. Melting ice caps.
  42. World sea level rise.
  43. Invention of modern plastics.
  44. Killing most of the whales.
  45. Trying to dance.
  46. The Holocaust.
  47. Trying to rap.
  48. Bad music.
  49. Really bad music (pop music).
  50. The Eurovision Song Contest.
  51. BONUS GUILT: The Holocaust (Yes, again. Don’t forget now.)

Some of these crimes, of course, seem worse than others; let us agree pop music was a mistake and the Eurovision Song Contest must be destroyed.

Now remember: Repeat this list at least once per week and once daily if extremely virtuous.

Yours sincerely,

Citizen Cain

(BuzzFeed please hire me, I’m ready!)


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Choróin Ó Ceallaigh

by Choróin Ó Ceallaigh

Aussie Conservative Anglo-Irish Baptist yearning for a little sanity in a world obsessed with globalism and cultural atomization. Please comment on my articles, I look forward to feedback.

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